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Grace Tan
In Comma Videos, Life, Musings, Relationships

Rekindling Romance in Marriage

As a wedding and portrait photographer, I have seen the extreme highs that couples go through as they set their sights on the one they love, and say their vows to always be there through good and hard times. Personally, as I also speak to couples in my daily life, I realize that it is easy to let the flames die out all too soon. Often times, arguments happen over seemingly small, trivial issues. But it points to deeper, unresolved issues, usually parent and family issues from the past.

This is my 13th year of marriage. I have to admit, while my love for Alex has grown deeper through the years, I have also gotten pretty complacent in our marriage. I don’t make much effort to surprise him (ever), think of doing things that truly please his heart or even attempt to wear beautiful lingerie to sleep (I had to put aside my pineapple pyjama pants because of this).

We’ve gotten way too comfortable towards each other.

That is why I appreciate the little things about him. How he does make the effort to do things like taking care of the kids while I go succulent shopping, plan mini stay-cations in the city or just prepare maggi mee by candle light in our bedroom after a long day of shoot.

I love him for all these little things and more. God is reminding me that while it is nice to be the recipient of all these little acts of love, I need to invest in his emotional tank too. I must go beyond my own comfort zone, laziness and make an effort to bring romance into the marriage over and over again.

I hope you do too. Happy Valentine’s Day.

(oh, and if you need some date night ideas with your spouse, head on over to Comma – Rethink Life and check out this post.)

Grace Tan
In Comma Videos, Life, Musings, Relationships

Comma Pre-Marital Series 02: Five Love Languages

When I was younger and more naive, my perception of love was just this romantic feeling that you get… you know, butterflies in your tummy, your heart beating so hard you think you might collapse… My view of what love is deepened  after I read this book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It has changed my view of love and how people communicate the idea of love. Watch this video to find out what I mean…

If you are interested to receive our notes, get the link to the Five Love Languages profile assessment, receive our Bookmarks newsletter, or would just like to be updated the next time a new video is released, please fill up this form below. And since my love language is “Word of Affirmation”, please do leave a word of encouragement below so we can continue doing videos like these. Thank you for the love! Remember to subscribe to our YouTube channel as well.

Comma: Rethink Life, is a homegrown online platform that advocates strong marriages and purposeful parenting in Malaysia.

Credits:

Script & Content Development by Grace
Filmed & Edited by Chi Yin
Music by John Dip Silas

Grace Tan
In Life, Musings, Relationships

Life, Love and Death

Video from KarmaTube

My sister shared this video with me recently. It was really sad and yet heart-warming to listen to this true story about a couple’s love for each other. If you’re super Malaysian like me, it’s pretty hard to understand the thick accent, so you need to listen really carefully to catch what they are saying. I don’t think it was just my pregnancy hormones, but I cried when I watched this video.

Everyone wants to be loved.

Everyone wants to feel a love so deep, so true, so faithful and so everlasting in life.

In some ways, I feel blessed. I have this amazing relationship with Alex and I can truly say that I love this man so much, much more today than the day I  married him 6 years ago. He’s traveling a lot this month, leaving me alone for days at a time. Even before he leaves, I start missing him already… sometimes I think I might have attachment issues. But this time alone makes me think about life…and also death.

I pray that God will allow us to grow old together, experience many wonders together, build a beautiful family and go on many adventures together. I think about all those newspaper articles where I read of people going through accidents and losing a loved one before their time is up, or people suffering from terminal illnesses. It really saddens me.

Alex is always very candid about this issue – if God takes him back early, it’s always because He allows it for a reason. And he always jokes… “I’ll allow you to marry again!”

Our conversations always end up the same… I argue with him that it’s better if God allowed me to go first, then I don’t have to suffer the agony of being here on earth without him.

Sigh. Who can predict the future? How will I know how much time I have with my loved ones? All that matters is today.

Show them love. Unabashed, not holding back, wholehearted.

Grace Tan
In Life, Musings, Relationships

The Miracle of Marriage

I read this article from a friend’s blog, and unfortunately, I do not know who to credit, but it’s such a great article that I felt I needed to share it here. It’s worth your 5 minutes reading this article on marriage. Deep down in my heart, I feel truly satisfied and happy that I married Alex. In almost random moments throughout the day, I tell Alex that I love him. I break into a silly grin when I hear him say the same thing… almost like young kids in love.

6 years of marriage and counting… Love you, dear!

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE by Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn’t want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn’t fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other.

I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples that somehow seemed to glow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other’s habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

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Grace Tan
In Life, Musings, Relationships

Waiting to say “I Do!”

A few weeks ago, I heard this question posed over the radio… “Is it ok to marry someone who loves you less than you do?” Reminds me of some stories I heard through friends, of couples who have been together for years, the sparks are almost gone, but one party feels obligated to get married because of the years of relationship. Or one person who threatens to commit suicide if the other party doesn’t commit to a lifetime together.

Not everyone’s relationship is as dramatic as that, but that question got me thinking… how do you define the quantity of love? It seems like a slightly airy-fairy topic to me, because my partner may think that he loves me with all his heart, but I may not think his love is as intense as he describes it. It also depends on each person’s love language. If you have never heard of this concept before, do read the book or do this free quiz to find out what your love language is!

Looking back at my pre-married life of relationships with other guys, I do admit, there were times I was heartbroken when I sensed my love was a one way street… and then there were other times that I broke the other person’s heart because I didn’t ‘love’ him enough, even after years of being together.

Deep down, somehow, I just knew that I hadn’t found the right person.

One that I could truly say I loved with all my heart, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he felt the same way towards me. (despite our differences in love languages!)

The issue of security remains something every woman struggles with. Breaking up with someone when you’re 23 or 32 makes a huge difference. So I can totally understand why some women opt to marry someone whom they know is 2nd best for them, just because they don’t want to be alone in life.

So, to wait, or not… ?

It’s a risk everyone takes, but personally, I think, if you’ve said the vows, commit to your decision, make it work, and don’t ever live in regret.

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